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The End
Dearest Roshni,
I guess by the time you read this I won’t be there in this world. Yes, Roshni, please face it; I WON’T BE THERE IN THIS WORLD. I know you are not in a state of mind to read any further. But please do, because this letter is solely addressed to you, the best person I have come across in my entire life, and also the one whom I am closest to.
I know that we vowed to stay with each other no matter what trouble may descend upon us. You did, when I was going through admittedly the most difficult phase of my life. You traveled all way from Delhi to stay by my side, to comfort me, to show me a new ray of hope. I still remember your golden words which helped me overcome the depression caused by the initial setbacks I suffered in the class tests- “ Nikhil, you may have lost everything else, but remember this- you still have got me. Make a fresh beginning. You will succeed. I am with you, and will be with you, for ever and ever,” and gave me the most comforting hug. You were my biggest strength, my confidant, my relentless pillar of support, my best friend, and my love. But today, I feel disgusted with myself that I am deserting you when I know, that you will be going through one of the most difficult period of your life. But I guess, as time will pass, this shock will be registered and you will overcome the trauma, knowing that you have endured worse times.
As you know, just 3 days ago, I gave the JEE. And these 3 days, have been a living hell for me. The exam for which I prepared for 2 years, sacrificed my hobbies, hanging out with friends, everything that I enjoyed doing in my leisure time in 15 years of my past life, the same exam has ditched me. I won’t say, that I was confident of excelling, but I was quite sure of performing decently, moreover I had one more year to bank upon. But then this “ fate” thing came into my way. And I messed up, big time. I screwed it. I ruined everything. My ambition, my dream of getting into the college that I felt I was destined to attend, has bit dust. You know how I defied my parent’s warnings’, threats, protests against my decision of appearing for only JEE and no other exam. But you know what they are doing just to be even with me now? They have broken their promise to allow me to have one more go at the examination. Can you believe it? “ What wonders are you going to make next year? Just want to waste our precious money. Now it’s you and your fate. Do what you want, but I am not going to fund your education further” (Yeah dad, right. PRECIOUS MONEY, what a term. Then does money become less precious when you throw those lavish parties?). Beat those last words of my dad, which I heard 3 days ago. We had this massive argument once I came back from the exam. Since that evening they haven’t spoken a word to me. They’ve been avoiding me, turning quiet whenever they even sense that I am in the next room, what they think, eavesdropping. I haven’t been allowed to make a call, let alone stepping out of the house. I am like cut off from the rest of the world. What are they thinking of doing to me? What will they achieve by plunging me into more despair, when I am already feeling suicidal? What do they want to prove? As if this was less, they have even deactivated my SIM card. What other choice do I have other than locking myself up in my room and brooding? And finally, I have reached to a conclusion. Of writing this last mail. My last form of communication to any person.
Please don’t miss me. Better still; hate me, after what I am doing. Probably, this will make you move on faster. Or even otherwise, you have time to bank upon. As they say “ time heals the deepest of the wounds.” Keep this thing in mind-even if I would have been still alive, I wouldn’t have been able to give you anything but true love. But love can’t earn a livelihood. If I hadn’t been able to support myself, then taking care of you would just have been a mere fantasy.
And yes, please keep this letter to yourself.
I love you Roshni. And one last request- reserve a small corner in your heart for me, just me and keep in that, the memories of the time we spent together.
Yours forever,
Nikhil.
He clicked-SEND.
THE MESSAGE HAS BEEN SUCCESSFULLY SENT TO ROSHNI2189@GMAIL.COM read the screen.
Nikhil pushed back the chair and rose. His eyes were moist. He went to the bathroom.
SPLASH. Splattering his face with water in his cupped palms, he came out and looked at the watch.
It wasn’t late at all. Just 8 pm. There was no one at home except himself. Nikhil had managed to somehow trick his parents into going out of the house, although for a brief period. He slipped chappals into his feet, unbolted the door. It felt great to be out of his house after what seemed like ages. He called for the elevator and waited patiently for it to come. As the doors opened, he pressed 35.
He never felt so depressed, so emotionally vulnerable. At last his suicidal instincts were overpowering him, driving him overboard. As he neared the terrace of his skyscraper, he realized that these are going to be his last few moments in this world. Or not? Who knew? May be he will be transformed into a ghost and his soul will wander in the world of the rest of his life… no, how can there be life when he’s going to be dead? Then for the rest of his….what?
“ Shut up, man. What the hell are you thinking? Something so pointless as THE REST OF ___. How does it matter,” Nikhil chided himself. He had much more things to contemplate on, to ponder over. It wasn’t any teeny weenie thing that had depressed him to such an extent that he was prepared to die.
Nikhil wasn’t afraid of death at all. He had always maintained that he would face death as it comes. But now the tables had turned. The death was going to face Nikhil, as he would come down, from the roof of the 35-floored building in the plushest area of Mumbai. All these things he had carefully planned. He knew that attempting suicide was a crime. So he had decided to do it in the dark, so that no one can see him committing it.
DEATH. The word, which in his childhood was an epitome of horror, which would send a chill down his spine when he was young, was now just a word that meant nothing but liberation.
He neared the door, the entrance to he terrace. He wasn’t dismayed at all to find the door locked. He was fully expected the security not to be casual and leave the door open, and had come armed with a hammer and a sharp nail.
WHAM WHAM. Two powerful smashes and rusted old lock could offer no more resistance. He wasn’t afraid of creating a racket. No one lived on the top 3 floors of the apartment. And to expect someone four floors below to hear these noises was sheer insanity. People of Mumbai were too preoccupied in their own lives to even think of others, let alone care about them, or so was Nikhil’s perception.
He opened the door. The door opened with a shrill creak. Cool breeze was blowing. It was so soothing and relaxing that Nikhil felt as if it would surely carry away his sorrows. Did he want that to happen, he wondered. Suppose something happened and all his sorrows, problems in his life disappeared, then would he be willing to live? Or would he be too scared to face the upcoming problems and would prefer to kick the bucket? He mulled over it.
“ Oh, drop it,” he sighed. He marched ahead. The parapet neared.
His thoughts wafted to Roshni. He knew he didn’t want to think of her. That he was leaving her all alone, made him feel terrible. That smile of hers, the way she often twirled her hair while talking, those beautiful eyes of hers brought him nostalgia. “ I have full faith in you Nikhil, you will do it.” he remembered these last words when they talked last time before him giving the JEE. He tried dismissing her thoughts and thought of his friends. How would they react when they will come to know of what he had done? Will they feel disgusted? Will they miss him? Will they shed tears after they register that he’ll no longer be among them?
He climbed the parapet. In a flash, his mind went blank. All the commotion that his thoughts had ensued in his head died down. He was not familiar with this numbness. His mind always felt pregnant with thoughts. He felt an unusual feeling of peace and tranquility descending upon him.
He looked down. Surprisingly, he didn’t feel afraid. And that was obvious. What will he feel afraid of? Dying? But that was precisely what he had come there to do!
He took a deep breath, closed his eyes for one last time. Nikhil took a step forward, and another till the parapet beneath his feet disappeared.
20 DAYS LATER
“ Roshni, relax. Exam is over. Why are you being so hyper? You are a scholar. Chill yaar! You are acting as if you are gonna flunk.”
The girls around her tittered.
“ Yeah, I suppose that’s what I need to do. Ok then, see ya.” Roshni said as she entered her society’s compound. A blend of relief and happiness combined with a bit of displeasure of committing ‘ silly mistakes’ was evident from her face. Finally, the CET was over. She unlocked the door of her house, flopped down on the bed in her room and let out a deep sigh. Her thoughts drifted from her exams to her boyfriend, Nikhil. She felt irritated thinking about him. Not a single message let alone a call in last 23 days. And no response to her calls and messages. If he calls me now, I am not gonna leave him, she thought. What does he think of himself? But she also felt tense. Would anything have happened to him? What would be the possible reason of this long silence?
You and your negative mentality, Roshni reprimanded herself. What could happen? May be its just that he doesn’t want to disturb or distract you from your studies, she tried silencing her scruples. Yes, this, she felt, was the probable reason.
She switched on the PC, and logged in her email account. As the page was being loaded, the doorbell rang. It was her mum. After the greetings were exchanged, and the expected “How was it?” question been asked; Roshni went back to her room.
“ Oh damn, can you believe it?” she could hardly contain her surprise as she read 754 UNREAD MESSAGES on the screen. “ How am I ever going to read all this? How many times have I told them not to forward me these useless mails. ‘HAPPINESS AND JOY’, ‘GOOD MORNING DEAR’, and ‘YOU ARE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS!’” she read out the message subjects aloud. “ Oh shit!”
“ What’s this going on Roshni? How many times have I told you not to use these words,” a stern voice rang in her ears. Roshni’s mum entered her room. “ What happened beta? What are you shouting for?”
Roshni simply pointed at the screen.
“ What’s this?” Roshni’s mom leaned forward to get a better view. “ Just a bunch of forwarded mails.”
“ Just a bunch?” Roshni sounded incredulous. “Mom they are 754. And I had been off net for just about a month. How am I going to read this crap?”
“ You can always get rid this stuff, can’t you? After all,” Roshni’s mum cast a look at the SUBJECT column. “ They are all forwarded mails.”
“ But suppose there is some important mail in them? Oh God, I should have never subscribed to the SCI-FI LOVERS CLUB. They send like a dozen mails per day.”
“ Tell me dear, is there anyone unknown who has your e-mail id and is probable to communicate via mails? As far as I remember what you told me, only your close friends have your id, and they are bound to have your phone number too. They can always call you, if they want to get in touch with you na?” Roshni’s mum enlightened her.
“ I guess you are right mum,” Roshni nodded.
She pointed her cursor and clicked-DELETE.
Somewhere the famous band Linkin Park could be heard singing, “ In the end, it doesn’t even matter….”
I guess by the time you read this I won’t be there in this world. Yes, Roshni, please face it; I WON’T BE THERE IN THIS WORLD. I know you are not in a state of mind to read any further. But please do, because this letter is solely addressed to you, the best person I have come across in my entire life, and also the one whom I am closest to.
I know that we vowed to stay with each other no matter what trouble may descend upon us. You did, when I was going through admittedly the most difficult phase of my life. You traveled all way from Delhi to stay by my side, to comfort me, to show me a new ray of hope. I still remember your golden words which helped me overcome the depression caused by the initial setbacks I suffered in the class tests- “ Nikhil, you may have lost everything else, but remember this- you still have got me. Make a fresh beginning. You will succeed. I am with you, and will be with you, for ever and ever,” and gave me the most comforting hug. You were my biggest strength, my confidant, my relentless pillar of support, my best friend, and my love. But today, I feel disgusted with myself that I am deserting you when I know, that you will be going through one of the most difficult period of your life. But I guess, as time will pass, this shock will be registered and you will overcome the trauma, knowing that you have endured worse times.
As you know, just 3 days ago, I gave the JEE. And these 3 days, have been a living hell for me. The exam for which I prepared for 2 years, sacrificed my hobbies, hanging out with friends, everything that I enjoyed doing in my leisure time in 15 years of my past life, the same exam has ditched me. I won’t say, that I was confident of excelling, but I was quite sure of performing decently, moreover I had one more year to bank upon. But then this “ fate” thing came into my way. And I messed up, big time. I screwed it. I ruined everything. My ambition, my dream of getting into the college that I felt I was destined to attend, has bit dust. You know how I defied my parent’s warnings’, threats, protests against my decision of appearing for only JEE and no other exam. But you know what they are doing just to be even with me now? They have broken their promise to allow me to have one more go at the examination. Can you believe it? “ What wonders are you going to make next year? Just want to waste our precious money. Now it’s you and your fate. Do what you want, but I am not going to fund your education further” (Yeah dad, right. PRECIOUS MONEY, what a term. Then does money become less precious when you throw those lavish parties?). Beat those last words of my dad, which I heard 3 days ago. We had this massive argument once I came back from the exam. Since that evening they haven’t spoken a word to me. They’ve been avoiding me, turning quiet whenever they even sense that I am in the next room, what they think, eavesdropping. I haven’t been allowed to make a call, let alone stepping out of the house. I am like cut off from the rest of the world. What are they thinking of doing to me? What will they achieve by plunging me into more despair, when I am already feeling suicidal? What do they want to prove? As if this was less, they have even deactivated my SIM card. What other choice do I have other than locking myself up in my room and brooding? And finally, I have reached to a conclusion. Of writing this last mail. My last form of communication to any person.
Please don’t miss me. Better still; hate me, after what I am doing. Probably, this will make you move on faster. Or even otherwise, you have time to bank upon. As they say “ time heals the deepest of the wounds.” Keep this thing in mind-even if I would have been still alive, I wouldn’t have been able to give you anything but true love. But love can’t earn a livelihood. If I hadn’t been able to support myself, then taking care of you would just have been a mere fantasy.
And yes, please keep this letter to yourself.
I love you Roshni. And one last request- reserve a small corner in your heart for me, just me and keep in that, the memories of the time we spent together.
Yours forever,
Nikhil.
He clicked-SEND.
THE MESSAGE HAS BEEN SUCCESSFULLY SENT TO ROSHNI2189@GMAIL.COM read the screen.
Nikhil pushed back the chair and rose. His eyes were moist. He went to the bathroom.
SPLASH. Splattering his face with water in his cupped palms, he came out and looked at the watch.
It wasn’t late at all. Just 8 pm. There was no one at home except himself. Nikhil had managed to somehow trick his parents into going out of the house, although for a brief period. He slipped chappals into his feet, unbolted the door. It felt great to be out of his house after what seemed like ages. He called for the elevator and waited patiently for it to come. As the doors opened, he pressed 35.
He never felt so depressed, so emotionally vulnerable. At last his suicidal instincts were overpowering him, driving him overboard. As he neared the terrace of his skyscraper, he realized that these are going to be his last few moments in this world. Or not? Who knew? May be he will be transformed into a ghost and his soul will wander in the world of the rest of his life… no, how can there be life when he’s going to be dead? Then for the rest of his….what?
“ Shut up, man. What the hell are you thinking? Something so pointless as THE REST OF ___. How does it matter,” Nikhil chided himself. He had much more things to contemplate on, to ponder over. It wasn’t any teeny weenie thing that had depressed him to such an extent that he was prepared to die.
Nikhil wasn’t afraid of death at all. He had always maintained that he would face death as it comes. But now the tables had turned. The death was going to face Nikhil, as he would come down, from the roof of the 35-floored building in the plushest area of Mumbai. All these things he had carefully planned. He knew that attempting suicide was a crime. So he had decided to do it in the dark, so that no one can see him committing it.
DEATH. The word, which in his childhood was an epitome of horror, which would send a chill down his spine when he was young, was now just a word that meant nothing but liberation.
He neared the door, the entrance to he terrace. He wasn’t dismayed at all to find the door locked. He was fully expected the security not to be casual and leave the door open, and had come armed with a hammer and a sharp nail.
WHAM WHAM. Two powerful smashes and rusted old lock could offer no more resistance. He wasn’t afraid of creating a racket. No one lived on the top 3 floors of the apartment. And to expect someone four floors below to hear these noises was sheer insanity. People of Mumbai were too preoccupied in their own lives to even think of others, let alone care about them, or so was Nikhil’s perception.
He opened the door. The door opened with a shrill creak. Cool breeze was blowing. It was so soothing and relaxing that Nikhil felt as if it would surely carry away his sorrows. Did he want that to happen, he wondered. Suppose something happened and all his sorrows, problems in his life disappeared, then would he be willing to live? Or would he be too scared to face the upcoming problems and would prefer to kick the bucket? He mulled over it.
“ Oh, drop it,” he sighed. He marched ahead. The parapet neared.
His thoughts wafted to Roshni. He knew he didn’t want to think of her. That he was leaving her all alone, made him feel terrible. That smile of hers, the way she often twirled her hair while talking, those beautiful eyes of hers brought him nostalgia. “ I have full faith in you Nikhil, you will do it.” he remembered these last words when they talked last time before him giving the JEE. He tried dismissing her thoughts and thought of his friends. How would they react when they will come to know of what he had done? Will they feel disgusted? Will they miss him? Will they shed tears after they register that he’ll no longer be among them?
He climbed the parapet. In a flash, his mind went blank. All the commotion that his thoughts had ensued in his head died down. He was not familiar with this numbness. His mind always felt pregnant with thoughts. He felt an unusual feeling of peace and tranquility descending upon him.
He looked down. Surprisingly, he didn’t feel afraid. And that was obvious. What will he feel afraid of? Dying? But that was precisely what he had come there to do!
He took a deep breath, closed his eyes for one last time. Nikhil took a step forward, and another till the parapet beneath his feet disappeared.
20 DAYS LATER
“ Roshni, relax. Exam is over. Why are you being so hyper? You are a scholar. Chill yaar! You are acting as if you are gonna flunk.”
The girls around her tittered.
“ Yeah, I suppose that’s what I need to do. Ok then, see ya.” Roshni said as she entered her society’s compound. A blend of relief and happiness combined with a bit of displeasure of committing ‘ silly mistakes’ was evident from her face. Finally, the CET was over. She unlocked the door of her house, flopped down on the bed in her room and let out a deep sigh. Her thoughts drifted from her exams to her boyfriend, Nikhil. She felt irritated thinking about him. Not a single message let alone a call in last 23 days. And no response to her calls and messages. If he calls me now, I am not gonna leave him, she thought. What does he think of himself? But she also felt tense. Would anything have happened to him? What would be the possible reason of this long silence?
You and your negative mentality, Roshni reprimanded herself. What could happen? May be its just that he doesn’t want to disturb or distract you from your studies, she tried silencing her scruples. Yes, this, she felt, was the probable reason.
She switched on the PC, and logged in her email account. As the page was being loaded, the doorbell rang. It was her mum. After the greetings were exchanged, and the expected “How was it?” question been asked; Roshni went back to her room.
“ Oh damn, can you believe it?” she could hardly contain her surprise as she read 754 UNREAD MESSAGES on the screen. “ How am I ever going to read all this? How many times have I told them not to forward me these useless mails. ‘HAPPINESS AND JOY’, ‘GOOD MORNING DEAR’, and ‘YOU ARE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS!’” she read out the message subjects aloud. “ Oh shit!”
“ What’s this going on Roshni? How many times have I told you not to use these words,” a stern voice rang in her ears. Roshni’s mum entered her room. “ What happened beta? What are you shouting for?”
Roshni simply pointed at the screen.
“ What’s this?” Roshni’s mom leaned forward to get a better view. “ Just a bunch of forwarded mails.”
“ Just a bunch?” Roshni sounded incredulous. “Mom they are 754. And I had been off net for just about a month. How am I going to read this crap?”
“ You can always get rid this stuff, can’t you? After all,” Roshni’s mum cast a look at the SUBJECT column. “ They are all forwarded mails.”
“ But suppose there is some important mail in them? Oh God, I should have never subscribed to the SCI-FI LOVERS CLUB. They send like a dozen mails per day.”
“ Tell me dear, is there anyone unknown who has your e-mail id and is probable to communicate via mails? As far as I remember what you told me, only your close friends have your id, and they are bound to have your phone number too. They can always call you, if they want to get in touch with you na?” Roshni’s mum enlightened her.
“ I guess you are right mum,” Roshni nodded.
She pointed her cursor and clicked-DELETE.
Somewhere the famous band Linkin Park could be heard singing, “ In the end, it doesn’t even matter….”
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